Unredeemable
by Dobby123
Summary: I can't be brought back from the hell that I've gone through. I'm irreparable and hopeless, thus I do not deserve you.


**This is my Valentines fanfic. It's a little early, but I was so excited to post it up since this is my first 8059 fanfic and since I read a few 8059 fanfics I decided to give it a shot. It took me a while but I finally got it and is proud of this one.**

Unredeemable

Yesterday I did it with Yamamoto. I felt utterly disgusted with myself. I defiled something that shouldn't have been touched by the likes of me, but I couldn't help myself. He was everything that I wished I could be. Burden free, but that thought itself was laughable. Me, burden free, impossible, yet I dared to wish. Me, a pitiful, disgusting creature that doesn't have any reason to live.

He kept looking at me with those eyes, the eyes of love, caring, and hope and desperation. I ignored him. If I made him feel like trash then maybe, just maybe we can forget what we did. But I knew I couldn't forget, being lost in the throes of lust and passion. He whispered my name many times. I wanted to cry and I did when he was asleep. I couldn't believe what I've done. I didn't regret having sex with him. I regret tainting him as if being in the mafia wasn't bad enough.

"Gokudera," Yamamoto called out with a desperate tone. I suck in a lungful of smoke and steeled my nerves and mustered up the coldest look I could give him without cracking under those warm brown eyes. I had to be harsh to him, brutal if possible.

"Don't say anything to the tenth about this," I said glaring at him, I could see the light in his eyes dim slightly, only for it to come back as he tried to laugh it off. Yamamoto won't admit it, but he was jealous of the attention I give to the tenth, but he doesn't realize I have to.

"I won't," Yamamoto said laughing as he tried to put his long, strong arm around me, but I knocked it off regrettably. "Gokudera…"

I glared at him irritably, "What do you think you're doing, didn't I tell you yesterday, not to talk to me or touch me?" Then I smirked. "Don't tell me you actually thought there was something that was going on between us since we both fucked." I laughed a bitter laugh. Yamamoto was hurt and I was dying. I felt lower than shit. And sadly that was the only thing I was.

"Gokudera," I grimaced, that's all he could say to me. My name. Why must he torture me with the reminders of last night?

"Last night had no meaning," I said offhand my nerves getting shorter and shorter, I had to end this conversation soon otherwise I might just fuck everything up. "I have no interest in playing this "friends" game you insist on doing. I only did it, because I was in a good mood and nothing else. It's not like you understood what was going on anyways, or maybe you did was just going with the flow, either way it goes, it was nothing." I took another drag and shrug. "Anyways let's say nothing happen, after all, I've already forgotten about." The look on Yamamoto face, said I should've just taken a knife to him instead. I guess the saying was true, 'Words can kill' almost. I left, feeling disgust.

…

Yamamoto felt like his heart was torn into two.

"Really, he didn't hold back in the slightest," Yamamoto laughed quietly to himself and followed behind Gokudera who was far ahead of him. Yamamoto struggled to pull himself together and was determined not to let this pull him down after all he was so close, or was for the matter. He always knew that he and Gokudera were totally different from each other you can say that oil and water doesn't mix, but rain and storm does.

…

To put it lightly I hate Yamamoto Takeshi and everything about him. I looked up at the sky and thought, 'Who the hell did I think I was kidding?' That kindness and optimistic that seemed to flow from his body. A smile that couldn't be touched by that darkest shadows. And I be damned if I or anybody else takes that away from him. But I couldn't stop thinking about last night. And somehow I found myself in his room again.

I woke to a deep pain in my stomach. It was a familiar pain, but I was sure that I didn't see Bianchi today, but I didn't question it because, there he was in my line of sight, with the usual expression and I sighed. That was so like him, for him to take a blow like that he still comes up smiling.

"Do you want something to drink?" He left getting me something before I even had to chance to say no. He must've grown up in a warm, kind environment, I thought with envy. I shook my head, now wasn't the time to get wistful as I stared at the glass that was offer before me. I glanced at it skeptic, when somebody offer you something and say they don't want anything be aware that they're lying. They want something from you and they'll get it from you as well and be ready to pay up in anyways possible. But you wouldn't get that you wouldn't you?

"Enough I'm leaving," I said getting up to leave I would've been halfway out the room if I didn't stumble over my own feet leaving Yamamoto to catch me. I fought off a blush with a look of irritation.

"You're in no condition to leave," Yamamoto said with an oddly serious look that I fooled myself into thinking that it was only reserved for battles.

"Tsk, what do you know," Yamamoto gripped his hands on my shoulders firmly and turned me around. I honestly thought that he was going to deck me when he said.

"What do I know about you, nothing. I know nothing about you, who you are, who you were before you got to Namimori, but I do know that I don't know anything about you because you put up a wall in between us, between everybody."

I got angry all of the sudden. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. We were just supposed to forget that any of this happened, but he refused to let it go. I glared at him and sat down. "Fine you want to know about me then I'll tell you. I ran away from home when I was about eight and that was before I got picked up by Vongola. So how do you think I lived?" I asked in a way you would ask a five year old child. "A kid that age can't survive. But I did, by living in cardboard boxes and eating out of the trash, being beaten by other homeless children and adults who thought I was going to steal their home and food. There were times that I almost died, but I didn't. Then a stunning revelation came to me and I realized that nobody can live without money, so how do you suppose I got that?" I stared at the ceiling ignoring the aghast look on his face. Typical people like them would never be able to understand the horrors of being on the streets. "Frankly, if you know anything at all or at least familiar with the mafia then you would know the same old tiresome story. I turned to lying and begging for money to eat, then I moved up to trying to find connections into the mafia and before I knew it, I became a sneak or a little snitch just to get a little money. To put it simple I was doing dirty jobs given to lackeys. I sold everything under the sun, drugs, women, weapons, you name it, and since I had no dignity left, I in turn sold my body as well. Then I became nothing just trash." I gave him a bitter look wondering why I was even telling him this. I could see myself at the age of eight reflecting from those expressive brown eyes. "The only reason I'm able to stand here today is because of all the lives I've ruined. I am unredeemable, yet you chase after me." I looked at him, the gate that held all my deepest filling burst opened and the tears wouldn't stop. "Now that you know everything about me can you still continue to chase me?"

Yamamoto opened his mouth, but closed it. I knew it. He was just the same as the rest. Not only do they pity me, but they look at me differently. I know that I have no redeeming features, but with him, I was just hoping that maybe he would be see something that no one else, not even myself would see. But it's ok it's only to be expected.

I am unredeemable.


End file.
